The Worst Punishment

Today, I continue my story of loneliness. I do not know what does it take to get people you like to be with, together. But now I have stopped even trying to figure that out. I have a very good friend, at least I thought the relationship was serious. But then I realize that I started expecting things from her. Why does she have to accompany me? It is not a compulsion. I am trying really hard not to expect anything from her, or from anyone else. I have come to realize after all this while that the worst thing in your life could be LIFE WITHOUT FRIENDS. This has not happened for the first time. I want to say I am angry but then I realize that I am not angry. I am just sad and disappointed in seeing myself as such a big loser. A loser does not have any place in anyone's heart. Right now, I am ashamed to say that I hold the title of LOSER.

The solitary confinement given to me by everyone I know has let me down. I have been pushed by the FAKE LOVED ONES to a corner from where I can not see any way out. So the question is How will I fight my way out? The answer would be that I am too fed up from fighting my way out. I care for my so called stupid FRIENDS and I will care for them till the point I know them. But how long can this one way caring can carry, I do not know.

There is no point wishing for anything, else I could have asked for people who care about me. I must say God would find this wish of mine pretty hard to fulfill. So, I stand by my statement I made years ago...

I CAN NOT BE LOVED

THE UGLY TRUTH

Today, on a Sunday morning when I see myself penning down my thoughts sitting all alone, I am forced to think if this is what future has in store for me. I look at myself as a super enthusiastic human being who wants simple things in life, or I should say only one thing in life- LOVE. The question keeps popping in my mind that is this something I deserve? I have no answer to the question. I know I deserve more. But I have to say this that I know I deserved more. But I do not know how to get it. I have tried everything under my limits to get the love, the affection. But still I am searching for it. I have been an awesome friend (barring 1 incident- I am sorry AYUSHI for the incident which happened). I have loved unconditionally. I have provided support to anyone and everyone. But then when I needed support, I was left all alone. I ask myself WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?

The answer which I got was very simple. I expected people to be there for me. I became selfish when I made myself available for anyone. I thought the other person will also be there with me when I will need them. I started expecting from others. But the UGLY TRUTH of this cruel world is TO EACH HIS/HER OWN. Each individual lives selfishly. If you do go out and help others, they start taking you for granted.

Even after knowing the UGLY TRUTH, I made a promise to myself that I will not expect anything from anyone. The very point of this thought being difficult made the challenge more exciting. I knew I would break many a times, and will not have anyone to support me. Still I wanted to stand for myself, as I believe only I can help myself. No one understood how I feel. More importantly, no one asked how I feel. I feel disheartened. I have this rage inside me which has been boiling me from within. I just don’t want to spill it on others.

Now I am tired of trying. I am losing the zeal to live because I always believed you should have something to live for. I guess I have nothing in my head right now. My heart aches when I see myself like this. But I cannot help it. I cannot help myself out of my own misery.

I also need an angel who listens to me, a person with whom I can share anything without any fear. I do not know when and how I will find that person. I do not know if I will ever find that person. But if I don’t, the zeal which is dying within me and pushing me towards depression will take over the control of my brain and heart. Then perhaps I will lose the right to live. I can see that thing happening to me in near future and I do not know how to stop it.